Filling Voids Through A Value-Driven Life

I recently attended a personal development workshop on the topic of values and finding inner fulfilment, inspired by the work of Dr John deMartini (author of The Values Factor). It was run by life coach and meetup organiser of Sydney Motivation Club, Giulia Coletti, whom I happen to have a mutual friend in common with. Here are my notes from the evening, including some of my own thoughts and tangents: (copied from my tumblr)

Social idealisms are socially acceptable or obligatory ways of thinking and believing. They interfere with our capacity to live an authentic, value-driven life when our goals and decisions become subordinate to the expectations of others. 

Clues that you are talking about social idealisms:
“I should/must/have to..”
“I feel guilty for not..”

What are my social idealisms?

• I should aspire to be married someday and start a family. 
• I should go to uni and pick a course solely based on its earning potential.
• I should lock myself into a full time job and save up for a mortgage. 
• I should vote for the major parties and not question the status quo. 
• I should make more effort with small talk for the sake of fitting in. 
• I should give any “nice guy” who offers me attention a chance. (hello double standards)
• I should feel inferior for not fitting western ideals of beauty.
• I should compare myself to the extraverted ideal that ‘confidence is loud’ (even if it doesn’t feel authentic)

Clues that you are talking about a goal that is desirable to you:
“I desire/choose/dream about/need..”

In contrast, what do I love?

• I love having plenty of free time to pursue my personal interests without any deadlines or assignments to stress me out.
• I love learning about consciousness, relationships and the human condition.
• I love living a sustainable, cruelty free lifestyle that is gentle on animals and the environment. 
• I love honest, revealing conversations that extend beyond the superficial. 
• I love tapping into a creative outlet when I need to express myself - blogging, photos, daydreaming..
• I love embodying my truth, even at the expense of sacrificing approval or popularity. 

Other questions you can ask to bring you closer to your values:

• What dominates your thoughts?
• What do you visualise most?
• What captivates and inspires you? 
• When are you most reliable and motivated to succeed?
• What goals have persisted and stood the test of time?
• What topics do you love to read about or research?
• What do you love to share and talk about with others?

Our values are so powerful because they subconsciously influence our attention, retention and intention: what we notice, what we remember and what we act upon. Even if we tried to suppress our values to appease our social idealisms, we probably couldn’t keep it up for very long without burning out and losing our sense of self. 

Whenever you are unsure of your values, ask which voids remain to be filled?

Examples of common voids:

• Feelings of loneliness may suggest you value closer, more meaningful relationships.
• Catching the travel bug suggests you value change and variety.
• Feeling unsatisfied at work suggests you crave a purpose-driven vocation, etc.

Can voids be deceptive? It depends, pseudo-voids are conditioned with false promises, eg. you will be happy once you save up for a bigger house, better car.. materialistic pursuits. You may approach your life with gratitude but still feel something is ‘missing’ and that’s normal. It may take some reflection to figure out the true source of that inner lacking. 

Voids aren’t necessarily negative if they give us insight into areas where we need to refocus our attention and priorities. Our voids mirror and represent our highest values. 

Contrary to popular belief, the greatest gift we can give to the world is not conformity and obedience to social idealisms. It is the courage and willingness to live in accordance with our highest values, which gives others permission to honour their truth and do the same. 

The deepest voids we feel are often the ones we try to run from most or even push out of consciousness. We will never feel entirely ‘whole’ when we ignore an area that is so important to us, simply because it is too painful to face. The only way to be free of our voids is to own them, find a way to engage and co-operate with them until we finally find closure.